In an article published by CNBC, a psychologist said that parents who raise confident and strong-minded children always do 3 things when praising their children.
As parents, we want our children to feel good about themselves, so we try to praise them as much as possible. This isn’t necessarily a bad thing.
Research shows that there are benefits to praising children. A simple compliment can generate self-esteem and pride. However, it depends on what kind of praise we give, as well as on when and how often.
The experience of parents who raise confident and strong-minded children
Jessica Vanderuer, a psychiatrist, says that as a therapist who works with parents and children, she has seen time and time again the negative effects of overestimating a child’s talent or outcome (“That sounds cool!” “You’re so handsome!” “Good job!”).
But these short and exaggerated reactions can cause children to focus only on things that might harm their self-esteem.
They may be concerned about performance (“If I get that answer wrong, I’m stupid”), for example, or think they are only valued for their looks (“What if Prime Time Zone think I look weird in that shirt? Then they won’t love me”). ).
Should you praise your children at all? Definitely. But there are right and wrong ways to give praise. Here’s what parents of confident, self-motivated, strong-brained kids always do:
1. They praise the process: When you praise something a child has done (for example, a child making effort on a math task), rather than a talent or result (for example, a child’s natural ability to solve math problems quickly), children are more likely to develop a positive attitude towards future challenges .
In the 1990s, Carol S. Dweck, a professor of psychology in the Graduate School of Stanford University, studied the effects of these types of praise.
In one experiment, a group of children were told that they were successful because they were smart, while a second group was told that they were successful because they worked hard.
When the two groups were given a variety of puzzles, children in the second group were more likely to choose a harder puzzle.
Dweck also found that praising the process increases the likelihood that they will feel confident in the task even if they make a mistake.
2. Don’t Make It A Contest Parents love comparison and sometimes, we tell our kids that they’re better than others (“You’ve scored more goals than all your teammates combined!”).
Oftentimes, this is done in good faith. We want them to feel as proud as we do, and to be motivated to do better next time…but for all the wrong reasons.
It is not healthy to fall into a vicious circle of competition. Social comparisons can teach children to always measure success based on the results of others.
Even worse, according to the research, praising children in comparison, in some cases, can cultivate narcissism, attention-seeking behavior, and a lack of teamwork values.
The best approach? Encourage them to compare their past efforts with their current efforts, not with others. This makes them accustomed to shifting their goals away from being better than anyone else and toward self-improvement.
3. They use observational language: Instead of saying, “That’s so good!” You might want to say, “I love the colors in your drawings. Tell me more about why you chose them.” (That’s what it means praise the process).
Another example: Instead of saying, “You looked like a pro riding that bike!” Parents of excited kids might say something like, “You were very careful and focused while riding your bike. Even when I was swaying a bit and almost falling, I kept going! That was great to watch.”
These simple language tweaks can help your kids feel proud of themselves for putting in the effort at something. It can also make them more motivated to do more challenging things in the future.
Finally, it is important to create an environment of emotional safety. If your child fails the spelling test, refrain from telling him that he should have studied more seriously. Instead, ask them what they think they can do to improve it next time.
Children need to know that they can come to their parents not only when they are doing well, but also when they are having difficulty with a particular task or challenge.
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